When I say it’s gonna be a bad day…
Saturday, January 31st, 2009…I just don’t fool around with it. This is gonna be a pretty much non-kink related post, so feel free to skip it if you so choose.
Yesterday was the first day of a long-anticipated vacation, and I woke up with a feeling of dread. Twittered about it, too. I felt like something bad was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, but I shrugged it off and continued on with my day.
First, I go to check on my father, who’s been recovering for the past several months from hyponatremia brought on from his alcoholism. He was in the hospital for weeks, a nursing home for a month or so, and has been having home health care nurses with him for a couple of months. He’s to the point now where he doesn’t need the home health care or physical therapy anymore (according to his doctors, at least), so he can get out and about on his own again.
When he got home from the nursing home, he started drinking again and ended up in the hospital within a week. He finally made the connection in his head (or so I thought) and stopped again. Yesterday when I get there, I notice he’s just been on his first solo run to the grocery store since his last hospital stay (about a month ago). I’m all excited that he’s getting out on his own, go over to him to say hello, and he tries to block my view of the two twelve-packs of cheap beer that he’s taking into the house.
I know it’s a disease, and I know he needs help, but he simply won’t accept it. He’s even admitted out loud that he needs help, but now denies that. They say an addict has to hit bottom before they can truly realize they need help. There’s not much more ‘hitting bottom’ you can do than to be hooked to a respirator for a week…there’s not many steps of bottom below that. The alcohol is going to kill him and there’s absolutely nothing I can do.
I shake that off and try to go on with my day. CK was coming over for dinner and movie night (a tradition), so I tried to relax and get the feeling of dread off of me with no luck. He comes over, gives me a quick hug and a quick peck, nothing like our normal greeting. I start cooking dinner, and after a little conversation and a little questioning I find out why.
He’s been seeing this girl for about a week, it’s now getting serious, and she apparently doesn’t approve of BDSM play. So…I get reduced to ‘just friend’ status, and while we’re still friends, I’ve lost a playpartner, snugglebuddy, and a lot more. There’s more to the story but it’s too personal to get into in a public forum.
I want him to be happy, and I hope this works out for him, but this sucks on several levels, to be honest. One, the purely selfish level: I had a dynamic with someone that made me happy and content, and now that’s gone. *shrug* That one’s a no-brainer. Two, also selfish: I don’t have anyone else that I really trust to top me…and I’m discovering that I need that. Three, and this one’s not about me: CK is wired to need BDSM play too, probably more than I do. I’ve seen him when he doesn’t get relatively regular playtime and it puts him in a really bad headspace. I’m worried.
(edit: I’ve since found out that it’s not that she doesn’t approve of play, she just doesn’t want him playing with others. That makes me worry less about him, and that’s good.)
But again, nothing I can control. And you know what? That sucks.
I’m done whining about it now. This post may disappear at some point, but for now I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Good gift idea for Valentine’s (it’s coming up soon, guys).
