Ramblings of a Newbie

I’m a fat chick. It says so in my bio, I make no bones about it. I’m a big girl. I’m pretty okay with that most of the time, to be perfectly honest. I’m still attractive, I’m still healthy. However…

I’ve still made the decision to lose weight. I’m not doing this for vanity, mind you, I’m doing it for health. It’s pretty okay to be a big girl in the BDSM community.  There’s often more of an appreciation for people of all sizes, which I dig…but for future health, I have to make changes. I started seeing a doctor that had been my mother’s doctor, and he really laid down the bottom line. My mother had many weight-related issues and I really don’t want to end up the way she was toward the end of her life. Therefore…try to lose the weight now while I can.

Now, I know you’re asking yourself:  what does that have to do with this blog?

The answer is simple: Losing weight gives me energy. Increased energy kickstarts my libido higher than it normally is, and it’s pretty damn high to begin with. CK got a taste of that yesterday and I’ve warned him it’s just gonna keep rising. Higher libido means more fodder for posts, and more energy means more posting in general.

No worries, now: this isn’t gonna turn into a weight-loss blog; I have another outlet for that kind of Rambling. I just wanted to prepare all y’all for an increase in posts and let you know I’m still around.

I missed you guys. More later.

I’m in the midst of moving right now, from the apartment I’ve been living in for a year back to the old family home. My father finally agreed to move into an assisted living facility…now, before you think this is a bad thing, it’s really not. He’s currently healthier, happier, and more alive than I’ve seen him in years. It’s a wonderful thing. The place is like a ritzy hotel; great food, gorgeous surroundings, and people to interact with.

Now, me moving back into the house is a good thing for me financially and comfort-wise. It’s paid for, so I’m only paying utilities. That’s amazingly helpful.  There’s a small yard, so I can perhaps start a garden next year.  It’s not a massive house, but it is bigger than my current place. It’s furnished, so I can get rid of my current hand-me-down and curbshopped furniture. There’s enough room between me and my neighbors that if I get…*ahem* a bit loud at times I won’t bother anyone.

On the downside: it’s likely to dredge up some old emotions. The house was not a happy place, and I’m determined to change that vibe. I’ve been talking about this on Twitter for about a month now…some of the plans are starting to work out.

I’m doing a good chunk of redecorating, starting with the main bathroom. Painting, changing out light fixtures and such; by the way, if any locals know of a decent electrician, please drop me a line.  One project at a time, though, because I know my track record. *grin*

I’m mostly packed at the apartment. Most of my current furniture is going to Goodwill (the bed, washer and dryer, and a few small tables are going to the house)…so it’s going to be a matter of moving mostly boxes. I’m hoping Thursday’s gonna be the day. Wooo!

In other news, there’s a little stand of bamboo or bamboo-like plant in the back yard of the house. My next kinky project is to figure out how to process it for canes. *grin* Any ideas, people?

As for the move, wish me luck. I hate moving. I like it once I’ve moved, but I hate moving.

Hey there, cats and kitties…life’s been crazy and hectic. I saw Vanilla Impaired post about this on Twitter today and thought I’d give it a go.

1. What’s your favourite way to have an orgasm?

Not sure if I have a favorite way, exactly. Position-wise, if I’m masturbating, I tend to be on my back or on one side. With a partner, on my back or doggie-style tend to be the easiest positions for me to get off. Woman-on-top simply doesn’t do it for me, orgasm-wise.

2. Do you use a sex toy? Hands? or both?

Sometimes just hands, sometimes both. I’ll start with just the hands, then move on to a sex toy when I’m good and worked up.
3. Do you have a favourite time of day or night that you like to pleasure yourself or have sex?

No particular time at all.

4. Do you feel you have different types of orgasms?

They can definitely vary in intensity; I haven’t yet had an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation being part of the package.

5. Do you have a position or a technique that always guarantees an orgasm?

Once I’m aroused and my clit is good and swollen, a steady movement with a certain pressure will damn near always get me off.

6. Is having your clit directly stimulated pleasurable for you? What about after an orgasm?

It’s extremely pleasurable if done right. There has to be adequate lubrication and not too much pressure. After? I’m usually supersensitive. However, if I back off for about five-ten seconds then start again with a medium kind of buildup, I can generally come again…sometimes several times.

7. Do you masturbate/pleasure yourself?

I do indeed.

8. Has your self pleasuring repertoire/routine/technique changed or evolved over time?

Of course, as I discovered new things that aroused me and realized I could really take my time and let myself enjoy it.

9. Are sex toys part of your self pleasuring or with a partner? Or both?

Both. They can be great fun either way.

10. If you enjoy using sex toys how often do you upgrade your equipment?

Often, these days.

11. Whats the most intense orgasm you have ever had?

Hard to tell, really. My most intense orgasms tend to be with a partner, though not always. G-spot stimulation combined with clitoral stimulation will tend to do it for me…

12. How often do you orgasm? Daily, more than once a day, weekly, monthly….???

Preferably daily at least; lately not so much. My life’s been crazy-hectic (as mentioned above). I have to be in the right headspace to masturbate, and I have to feel sexy and good about myself (I know, that sounds odd). I’m also fighting off a nasty respiratory infection, which doesn’t help matters at all.

13. Do you regard orgasm to be a stress reliever?

Absolutely.

14. What happens to you after orgasm? Full of energy, a bit lala or ready to go to sleep?

This depends, actually. With a partner, I’m usually a bit lala for a few minutes, then ready to go again; alone, lala then sleepy.

15. Have you ever squirted?

Yup. Pretty freaking intense, actually.

16. Do you fantasize when you masturbate? Or do you just get right down to it?

Depends on how much time I have and my mindset. Sometimes it’s a case of ‘get it out of the way so I can think’ (yes, being orgasm-deprived rots mah brain), but sometimes it’s more of a ‘take my time and enjoy the ride’. When I’m enjoying the ride, I fantasize.

17. What do you like about having an orgasm? Is it important you have an orgasm every time?

It feels good. *shrug* Go figure…;) It also puts me in a very good place mentally and makes me feel good about myself. Is it important to come every time? Depends. Masturbating? Pretty much every time, yeah. During sex? Not necessarily. It’s nice, but sometimes it’s just not gonna happen.

So there you have it, people.

But it’s kind of been one of those…well, years, actually. I normally don’t go into a whole lot of real-life detail here, but there’s been a lot going on lately. For instance:

• My job has been absolutely insane; with all due modesty, I’m an excellent employee and I feel like my job is constantly on the line. Walking on eggshells isn’t fun. There’s no real end in sight for this one unless I can find other work that will keep me in the manner to which I am accustomed (y’know, a place to live, a vehicle, and food for me and my cat).
• My father is elderly, in poor health, and an alcoholic (Yes, that may be TMI for my readers. You guys are used to hearing about the fun parts of my life; this post I’m giving a little peek behind the facade). However, he’s just agreed to go into an assisted living facility…and actually seems excited about it. This is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I can do crazy things now like…y’know, turn off my phone for a few hours. Or go on a road trip for a day. I’m a wild woman, I am!
• As readers of my blog know, I’ve recently gotten into a full-fledged relationship with CK. Now, this doesn’t sound like a huge thing, but it kind of is. I’m a big heaping bowl of trust issues and haven’t been in an actual official dating relationship for…hell, over ten years. Maybe fifteen? Some crazy number like that. The gist of this is that I’m learning how to be in a committed relationship again. So far so good, I think. This particular item is a good thing, but it’s a new thing. I’m getting used to it. *grin* He’s even met my brother, and I don’t remember the last time I introduced a guy I was dating to my brother…

There are a bunch of other, smaller things going on, but these things are the main things on my mind. Some good, some bad, some in transition; and I wanted to share them with you. I’ve been neglecting you guys, and I need to get back on the ball. Writing (any writing, whether silliness, seriousness, DIY stuff, reviews) always mellows me out and makes me feel better about things, and this little mini-post is no exception.

More to come, people. I’ve not gone anywhere. *salute*

(edit: I just realized that the only person I mentioned in this post is SC, who I only brought up to explain how rare it is for me to form a real connection. SC’s not caused me any drama the past few days! Sorry if anybody misunderstood! ooops!)

Connections terrify me.

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding connections, keeping people at arm’s length, to protect myself. Without going into a great deal of detail, my family life wasn’t normal. Not the quirky-but-fun not normal, just simply not normal and not healthy. Let me go ahead and get this straight: there was no sexual abuse, I was not beaten, and I always had clothing, shelter, food, and the occasional luxuries that come with suburban living. The not healthy part comes from my parents’ relationship and their relationship with us. Again, not too many details, but suffice it to say it made me not want to establish ties with others.

For a long time I simply didn’t have friends, partially by choice and partially due to a stunted set of social skills. By the time I got to high school it was a little easier, though I was still not really with the program. Through high school and college I dated a series of people, each one turning out to be a cheater.  At this point the trust issues I’d started out with latched on, cementing firmly in place.

Connections are hard.

Connections are difficult for me, friend-wise or lover-wise. To make a connection, one has to open up at least a little, and that scares me. I have a core group of very good friends that I’ve known and been building relationships with for over ten years now; I have strong connections to many of them and lesser connections with others. To let anyone past friendship status requires more opening up on my part, which is amazingly difficult for me…I’ve found it easier in recent years to simply not try.

Connecting is fucking scary.

I met SC in an unusual way (again, not a story for this blog), randomly, and took a leap of faith and met her for coffee the next day. We connected quickly, and in a way not too frightening for me. We’ve been friends since. I started realizing that maybe I could connect with less fear if I tried. I still avoided it, though.

Real live connections: understanding, caring, taking pleasure in one another’s company, disliking being apart… When I make them, they’re strong, but they are truly hard for me. I can play the extrovert (I’ve had to learn from twenty years of working in restaurants and sales), but I’m really not. I’m an INTJ, baby…

The scariest part is when you don’t see ‘em coming…

I haven’t wanted a relationship. I haven’t wanted to date anyone. I always claim it’s because I’m in a selfish frame of mind right now, and that’s partially true; the other half of the story is that I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable. I’ve been hurt too badly and too often to be able to open up easily, so I make excuses. This usually works just fine. But when connections form where I didn’t expect them to, I get inner turmoil issues.

Connecting hurts.

When someone you’ve ended up letting in (intentionally or not) ends up hurting you (intentionally or not), it’s painful in ways that very few things can be, and there’s nothing you can do but ride it out. Worse is when it’s the painful incident that makes both of you realize how strong the connection is. Damaged ties can either be severed or be repaired; you always have to examine closely and see which is the proper and safest course of action.

Connections may mend…

Am I ready to open up? I’m never ready. Did it happen anyway? To a point, yes. Is it worth working to try to repair? The connection quietly gained and then nearly lost wasn’t one I was looking for, but it’s one I’d miss if it was gone. I think it’s worth the effort, but only time will tell. Time and a lot of talking…

Connections terrify me. Still.

…how much I hate drama?

The cause of the drama is something I’m not gonna get into in a public forum, but since I wrote a venting post I’m gonna write the ‘everything’s okay’ post to follow up.

I don’t like drama. I don’t like being upset. I’ve had a rough few days and had a couple of issues come up. I try never to let that kind of thing get out because I prefer to be on more of an even keel.

This time, things got to me. Hence the earlier post. Thanks for all of the kind words and well-wishes…you guys rock, quite a bit.

Things are getting better. The stress levels are dropping and I’m cursing quite a bit less…;)

So there we are. Thanks for sticking with me through the outbursts. I’ll try to keep ‘em to a minimum.

…I just don’t fool around with it. This is gonna be a pretty much non-kink related post, so feel free to skip it if you so choose.

Yesterday was the first day of a long-anticipated vacation, and I woke up with a feeling of dread. Twittered about it, too. I felt like something bad was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, but I shrugged it off and continued on with my day.

First, I go to check on my father, who’s been recovering for the past several months from hyponatremia brought on from his alcoholism. He was in the hospital for weeks, a nursing home for a month or so, and has been having home health care nurses with him for a couple of months. He’s to the point now where he doesn’t need the home health care or physical therapy anymore (according to his doctors, at least), so he can get out and about on his own again.

When he got home from the nursing home, he started drinking again and ended up in the hospital within a week. He finally made the connection in his head (or so I thought) and stopped again. Yesterday when I get there, I notice he’s just been on his first solo run to the grocery store since his last hospital stay (about a month ago). I’m all excited that he’s getting out on his own, go over to him to say hello, and he tries to block my view of the two twelve-packs of cheap beer that he’s taking into the house.

I know it’s a disease, and I know he needs help, but he simply won’t accept it. He’s even admitted out loud that he needs help, but now denies that. They say an addict has to hit bottom before they can truly realize they need help. There’s not much more ‘hitting bottom’ you can do than to be hooked to a respirator for a week…there’s not many steps of bottom below that. The alcohol is going to kill him and there’s absolutely nothing I can do.

I shake that off and try to go on with my day. CK was coming over for dinner and movie night (a tradition), so I tried to relax and get the feeling of dread off of me with no luck. He comes over, gives me a quick hug and a quick peck, nothing like our normal greeting. I start cooking dinner, and after a little conversation and a little questioning I find out why.

He’s been seeing this girl for about a week, it’s now getting serious, and she apparently doesn’t approve of BDSM play. So…I get reduced to ‘just friend’ status, and while we’re still friends, I’ve lost a playpartner, snugglebuddy, and a lot more. There’s more to the story but it’s too personal to get into in a public forum.

I want him to be happy, and I hope this works out for him, but this sucks on several levels, to be honest. One, the purely selfish level: I had a dynamic with someone that made me happy and content, and now that’s gone. *shrug* That one’s a no-brainer. Two, also selfish: I don’t have anyone else that I really trust to top me…and I’m discovering that I need that. Three, and this one’s not about me: CK is wired to need BDSM play too, probably more than I do. I’ve seen him when he doesn’t get relatively regular playtime and it puts him in a really bad headspace. I’m worried.

(edit: I’ve since found out that it’s not that she doesn’t approve of play, she just doesn’t want him playing with others. That makes me worry less about him, and that’s good.)

But again, nothing I can control. And you know what? That sucks.

I’m done whining about it now. This post may disappear at some point, but for now I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Hey guys, I want to apologize for the lack of posts in the last few weeks. Between family issues, working retail in the holiday season, and all-round tiredness I really haven’t had much time or motivation to write.

With luck, that will change soon. I haven’t had any playtime to talk about since testing the underbed restraint system (well, no actual full-blown scenes, that is. A little minor snuggling/biting/etc has gone on, but I’m hardly going to document all of that). I’ve been kind of twitching for play, and have been quite firmly in a ‘bottom-y’ frame of mind for a bit…

On New Year’s Eve, there’s a group of locals and others that will be ‘kinking in the New Year’. It’s going to be quite fun, and I’m determined to either beat someone’s ass or get my own ass beat (yes, I know it’s ‘beaten’, but I’m in the South. It’s acceptable to talk about ‘getting one’s ass beat’. ), if not both. One person attending will be a really fun, creative and sexy lady that I met at the first playparty I attended, and I’m hoping that I can convince her I have a spankable bottom…*grin*

Also upcoming: more toy reviews. Luna Beads and Peridise from Babeland.com, a little something from FYN, and doing a couple of reviews for Tabu toys as well: a harness with a lovely Tantus dildo and the Evolved Fleur-de-lis vibe.

I’m also going to attempt to simply post more good content; I’ll be hunting for good blog prompts, interesting ideas to discuss, and I may try my feeble hand at some erotica. We’ll see how things go.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Blog prompts, topics they’d like to see, etc? Bring ‘em on. Comments are great, but if you’re shy, my email link’s up there. *points to upper right of the page*

This started out as a discussion on Fetlife. I didn’t start the thread, but it struck a chord because I’d been thinking about the subject just a few days before.

Self-harm and BDSM:

When I see someone (in or out of the BDSM community) cutting or inflicting some other kind of pain on themselves, I worry about them and think there’s something wrong.

When I see someone with a cutting that someone else has done for them, or whipmarks, or scratches or bitemarks, I think it’s lovely and imagine how much fun I would have had in their place…

When I realized the apparent hypocrisy of this, it really hit me like a ton of bricks. If someone isn’t in a negative headspace when they’re cutting, how is that different from them allowing someone else to cut them?

For me, pain play is equally as much about the trust and connection as it is about the pain itself…but the pain is still the focus. How can I worry about someone that’s just doing something I wouldn’t?

I still feel viscerally that there’s a difference, but gut feelings can be wrong; is this a knee-jerk reaction on my part, or is there actually a difference between self-inflicted pain and masochism expressed with another person?

See, I used to be a cutter as a teenager. It even went a little into my early twenties, but only rarely. My cutting was mild and occasional, and very stress-related. Seeing and tasting the blood would calm me down immensely and I wouldn’t need to cut anymore. Then there came a time that I didn’t need to anymore at all. I don’t have the urge anymore. I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t want it. I needed it.

I do however mightily enjoy and get the urge to be spanked, bitten, flogged and otherwise manhandled. I’m very curious about getting a cutting from someone, wax play, needle play, and other fun things. It’s a need as well, but different. I wouldn’t enjoy cutting myself, dripping hot wax on my own thighs, putting needles under my own skin…

So what are your thoughts? I’d love to see some discussion on this. How is that row of cuts on someone’s thigh different from me wanting a new tattoo just for the pleasure of the experience?

(please note I’m opening up this topic for debate here; I’m not advocating self-harm, nor am I condemning those that are in a non-negative headspace and choose to cause themselves pain. Let any discussion remain civil, but please do comment.)

In the past few weeks, I’ve been neglecting this blog more than I should. I’ve been changing hosts, changing themes and tweaking, and haven’t actually done a lot of real writing. I’m going to try to fix that.

Basic blog news:

You’ll notice links to various shops on the right-hand side of my page. Click on ‘em and patronize ‘em! They’re all good guys. Besides, it looks good for me when you clickie.

Please forgive the postlessness. Bear with me and things will be back on track soon.