Ramblings of a Newbie

So the nice people at Sextoy.com sent me this awesome little Impressions paddle to tell you about. It’s made by a company called Sportsheets which I already love dearly for their Underbed Restraint System, so I had high hopes. I wasn’t disappointed.

It’s a smallish thing, which is pretty darn okay. It could easily sit anonymously in the bottom of a large purse and never be noticed. The design is simple: nicely sized handle, wide enough to be comfortable to the hand, in stitched leather over something stiff (plastic or wood, likely. Too light to be metal, I think?). There’s a grommet with a braided nylon wrist-strap. If you don’t like the nylon, switch it out for leather. It’ll work just as well.

The teabag is there for scale. Also because I simply wanted to work the word ‘teabag’ into a post.

The usable portion of the paddle (the ‘weapon’ part) is about five inches long and two and a quarter inches wide. You’ll notice from the picture that the word ‘OUCH’ is backwards. There’s a reason for that, don’t you worry. It’s a two-layered slapper-style paddle, as you can see from the next picture; this gives it a tendency to make a great noise even if your swats are somewhat sub-par. It’s flexible, but stiff enough to really pack a whallop if used properly.

As you can also see from the pic, the word ‘OUCH’ is a cutout. What that means to you is this:

That’s right. If done right, you get the word ‘OUCH’ in lovely lettering on your vic-…er, playmate’s body. It’s too much fun, especially in a group setting. Everybody wants to try their hand at getting the word to come up just a little clearer, there’s discussions about whose skin is pale enough to make the better background…it’s a lot of fun.

My only complaint about this toy is a small nitpicky one. When you look at the paddle itself, the ‘OUCH’ is in red. This is due to a piece of red paper between the layers. Good concept…but the fact that it’s paper kinda bugs me. A thin strip of suede between the layers or even lining the back layer in red leather would have been a little more finished-looking to me. The paper does just fine, but if it gets stained or torn, it’s done, and you’re looking at the roughly sueded back layer. It’s an aesthetic thing only, guys…I’m willing to overlook it, personally.

Overall, this is a really sturdy, well-stitched fun toy. I dig it quite a bit, as does CK (as long as he’s not on the receiving end). There’s other words as well, but this one just made me giggle.

Remember, kids, OUCH is not a safeword!

Sex toys provided by SexToy.com. Check out our excellent selection of bondage and bdsm products online. Butt provided by CK.

(Note for disclosure purposes: This product was provided free of charge for review purposes by Sextoy.com. I promise you that free product does not in any way ensure a good review; I have given products negative reviews in the past and will do so in the future if the product warrants it. )

Saturday night was the monthly FAD (Female Artists of Domination) party. The first playparty I went to back in August was put on by the same group, and it was a blast. I was hoping this one would be at least as fun…and I wasn’t disappointed in the least.

It was a ‘Try It, You Might Like It’ event. There were four exhibition areas: CBT, Violet Wand, Needle Play, and Foot Worship. Due to lack of time, it was suggested that people hit their favorite two stations and visit the others if there was time left over. I went, carpooling with FM, CK, and PB; we met SC and DB there.

I hit the violet wand station first. My friend DB (who I had the pleasure of playing with once) was the first demo bottom for it, and the Domme running the wand gave me all kinds of ideas and really made me want a wand of my own… One of these days I’ll indulge myself and pick one up.

Then I went to the needle station, where CK was just finishing up getting a series of needles in his back before trotting off to the violet wand station to get the freshly-installed needles zapped. I stood in the room where the needle demonstrator was starting to explain things to a new group. “Who wants to get stuck?” she asked. I raised my hand, as did two or three others. “Who wants to do the sticking?” she grinned. I raised my hand again, as did one other. DB was trying this out as well, and I watched several needles and learned the hows and whys of play piercing from the lady doing the piercing. SC then offered DB (her new sub) up for my first piercing practice.

I did three needles in his chest, completing the simple pattern the original piercer had started. It was way too fun…and I will be investing in a play piercing kit. Friends be warned. Then I got pierced myself: two needles placed in the upper curve of each breast. WOW that was fun. Next party I’ll be getting a cutting, hopefully, and I think I may enjoy that as well. We’ll see…

I wore the needles (safely corked) for a while and mingled, enjoying the different scenes going on. I watched more violet wand play, talked to friends and new acquaintences, and saw what was probably the most hardcore thing I’ve ever seen in person. A gentleman on the receiving end of a little CBT from his top took several forceps through his scrotum. Not on…through. I’ve been trying to find pics of the particular kind of forceps used, but my google-fu is failing me. These forceps PIERCED HIS SCROTUM. It was so very cool.

After all this, I sat down with a lovely lady named Angel, with whom I’d discussed having a scene, and started negotiations. We agreed that this was going to be kind of a getting-to-know-you thing, nothing too harsh. She’s of the same mindset I am: if you’re not having fun, what’s the point? We discussed her limits, my limits, what I’d experienced before…and then I stepped up to the St Andrew’s Cross.

Before this, I’d never bottomed to anyone but CK and was a little nervous. My friends settled in to watch the fun, and CK actually positioned himself behind the cross itself. FM was curled up by Angel’s toybag, making ‘helpful’ suggestions and handing her various implements. Angel lent me her hair-tie (I can’t believe I didn’t think to bring one; I have very very long hair) and started unhooking my corset. I’m not one to show bare skin in public…this was in fact my first time every being topless in public. My comfort with my own body is increasing by the day, and I’m enjoying the feeling…

She started out softly, running her hands over me to get an idea of my musculature and responsiveness (also, I think, to ferret out a ticklish spot or two). Next came a rabbit-fur flogger that made me relax against the cross and purr happily. The brush of the silky fur against my skin actually helped calm me a bit, I think.

The order of the toys used escapes me at this point, to be honest. She used a selection of different types of floggers: leather, plastic and rope. Angel’s toy collection is incredible, and I’m quite jealous…*grin* There were paddles of leather and paddles of wood, she used canes, she used an evil stick, a wartenberg wheel, and a double pinwheel contraption that I want quite a bit. She even pulled out a small wicked knife; that made my heart do a little backflip. I love blades (collect ‘em, even). It’s also very difficult for me to trust someone with a knife around me. It was a hell of a rush to have a woman I’ve met twice hold a knife to my throat…very hot. It really shocked me a bit how hot I found it, and I’m still kind of processing that a little.

Nipple clamps! She knew I had sensitive nipples and started out with mild clamps, but quickly realized that stronger ones were in order. She affixed my love-hate buddies, the clover clamps and lifted the connecting chain with her cane. Sliding the cane back and forth across the tight chain sent mild vibrations through the clamps to my nipples, and was a really fun move. When those got removed, one was removed nicely and the other pulled off sharply, getting a sympathetic group ‘oooooo!’ from my audience.

It was a relatively lightweight scene compared to many others I’ve seen, but it was a pretty decent one for a newbie. I was vocal as usual, and kept giggling and (apparently) squeaking. It was hot, it was fun, and I can’t wait for a rematch…*grins*

I was left with marks all over. There’s a bite-bruise on my right shoulder (one of her ’signatures), needlemarks on my breasts from the piercings, sunbursts of evil stick marks on each breast, an ‘A’ done with an evil stick on my back (another of Angel’s ’signatures’), and random other evil-stick welts on my back and ass. I also had at least one cane mark on my ass. The evil stick marks are all still visible, but healing.

All in all a great deal of fun and I got to mark off several ‘things I’m curious about’ list items. After the scene, Angel and CK both provided me with comfy blankets and I got petted, cuddled, and told I was a good girl…CK snuggled me for a while after as well. He asked what parts I most enjoyed, but I hadn’t fully processed it all yet and couldn’t really articulate my thoughts well. Even though it was a relatively lightweight scene, I was still pretty wiped out by the end of it.

After my scene, FM was tied to the massage table by SC and she and Angel set to work on him with crops. I watched for a bit, but quite shortly it ended up being four women circling the poor thing. I reminded FM about his ‘helpful’ handing of the evil stick to Angel and then brought up the point that “Y’know…I think we have four evil sticks among us!”. They were all grabbed with great glee. At one point I mentioned that we were like a pack of mean wolves…wolves with evil sticks. The Evil Stick Wolves did bad, bad things to poor FM, and by the end of it his ass and back were bruised, welted, angry red and (in a couple of spots) blooded. He had a lot of fun with that…

A good time was had by all. I can’t wait till the next event I can attend…I learn new things every time.

Happy HNT, y’all!

There’s a FAD (Female Artists of Domination) event tonight, and I’m so there. The last event I went to with this group was about six months ago. The arsenal is packed, the rope is packed, driving arrangements are made, and we’ll be on the road in a few short hours. I can’t wait.

Tonight is a ‘Try It, You Might Like It’ event. How-tos, if you will, for people that want to try giving or recieving different kinds of play they may have never experienced. There’ll be four stations set up: Foot Worship, CBT (cock and ball torture, in case you weren’t sure), Needle Play, and Violet Wand. I’m excited like a kid at Christmas, here!

After the demos are done, I have a scene planned with a lovely and evil lady that’s gonna do bad bad things to me. My first time being topped by anyone other than CK, actually, so I’m a little nervous. Gonna negotiate beforehand.

I’ll report tomorrow, people. Wish me good luck and good fun.

This New Year’s Eve I decided to forgo my normal celebration of drunken debauchary and instead take up SC on her invite to a celebration of sober debauchary…kinking in the new year.

I was looking forward to (and honestly, quite nervous about) bottoming in public for the first time. CK has been in a very toppy mood lately and I’ve been reaping the benefits, but it’s always been in a very private setting. I wasn’t worried about being topped by him…he’s very conscientious. The public setting just was setting up mild stage fright, I think. He’d never topped in a public setting either, so I think he may have been a touch nervous too.

When we arrived at the hosts’ house (if you’ll recall the impromptu playparty post, the same gentlemen hosted), there were several people already there. I actually had met one of them elsewhere, but I simply cannot place where. I felt mildly awkward, but figured it was bound to happen at some point. I had a feeling he couldn’t quite place me either, so after awkward greetings we didn’t actually interact much.

Everyone brought a dish of some sort, and the hosts provided a turkey, and a lovely dinner was had. I met several locals that I never had before, which is always good. After dinner, everyone sat and talked about things both mundane and kinky, and then the evil sticks came out (what, doesn’t this happen at your dinner parties?). CK left about ten or so really good welts that have finally faded in the past two days. This was still during the after-dinner chat portion of the evening, mind you, not even the afterparty. After the guests started trickling out, we cleaned up the kitchen (wouldn’t do to leave the hosts with a messy home to clean later! Politeness is key).

We were all still in the kitchen when we realized that it was damn near midnight, and our plan was to beat in the new year…so we didn’t bother going upstairs just yet. Clothes started coming off (I was wearing my new pseudo-corset. It actually looked halfway decent on me) and toys were grabbed. Mine were upstairs in the playroom already, so CK grabbed SC’s dragon’s tongue and used that on me between bites on my shoulders and neck.

The dragon’s tongue: DO WANT. It’s technically a singletail, and it’s made of a piece of leather that’s twisted slightly. Think towel in a locker room. It’s stingy and harsh and leaves awesome marks…and I looove it. CK had never used one before, but after a couple of errant swings he found his form…wow. Love this thing. At midnight on New Year’s Eve I was in a red and black satin and lace corset, leaning against a kitchen counter and being whipped with a dragon’s tongue. They say that what you’re doing at midnight on New Year’s eve is what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year…

By the time we moved up to the playspace, the party was down to the same group it had been the first time I played there. SC, FM, DB, CK (sounds like alphabet soup!), and the two hosts (I’ll call them PB and TM). CK and I went up first, and he cuffed me to the amazingly well-made St Andrew’s cross. This thing was actually pretty comfortable. He started in on me with my own floggers, then again with the dragon’s tongue, and then CK decided I’d had enough and uncuffed me. I’m new to scene in general, and CK is new to being in the top role; I’m still learning the limits of what I can take and CK is still learning to read me, so we occasionally stop a scene earlier than normal just to stay on the safe side.

We curled up on the large, comfy four-poster bed that’s in the playspace to cuddle, talk, and watch the rest of the action. FM was locked into a chair and caned with a lovely lucite cane (I covet toys, can you tell? *grin*); his manly parts were also threatened with an evil stick. The squirming was amusing. . I have to admit that I threw him under the bus…I pulled out my clover clamps and handed ‘em to SC. The glare he shot me…SC joked that all the subs were gonna turn switch so they could get me back. He took a lot. He’s tough.

DB got evil sticked to within an inch of his life. Nipples, belly, thighs…SC applied a ‘virtual bikini’: evil stick welts in the outline of where bikini underwear would be. I believe he got a welt or two on his penis and I know he got one good one just across his scrotum. I’m not even male and I winced. Ow. He also ended up with small, strong alligator clamps on his penis and scrotum…he’s a tank.

(edit: After writing this originally, I realized I was writing about a participant that I hadn’t gotten permission to write about; even though I didn’t give any sort of identifying information whatsoever, that’s not something I really want to get into the habit of doing.)

CK was having fun playing with a variety of nipple clamps (on himself. Yup. I’m right there, and he’s putting ‘em on his own nipples. Boy’s got priorities.), a couple of which probably shouldn’t have been used on nipples. When one came off, it abraded pretty badly, and he’s still healing up. I still got mean and put the clovers on him…

The next day I looked in the mirror, and I swear my shoulders, back, chest and belly looked like I’d been in a fight and lost. Bruises, welts, and fun little triangle-shaped marks from the dragon’s tongue were everywhere. The deeper bruises are still showing up today…

It was an excellent evening, lots of fun. And because of it, I ordered evil sticks.

They’ll be here soon. I’ll want volunteers to practice on. *peers around*

Happy New Year!
(by the way: CK has been doing some blogging of his own. It’s interesting to see yourself from someone else’s perspective…here’s his version of the New Year’s party.)

This is a continuation of my previous post about a playdate I had with CK a few days ago. Go ahead, read that one first, then come back here.

Ready now? Good.

CK focused on my ass with his open hand and with my heavy leather flogger, and it wasn’t long before I knew that he wasn’t going to take it easy on me at all. At this point, I have to admit I was a little nervous, even though I’d told him I wanted to push my limits more. I have no clue at this point exactly where my limits and tolerances are, and I’m still learning what I enjoy. My friends (mostly SC and CK) have been very good about keeping an eye on me and making sure I don’t bite off too much at once. But every once in a while we step things up…

Once he felt that my bottom had been warmed up enough (very very red, a couple of welts already forming), CK stood me up and made sure I could move around adequately with the long ankle chain without falling over in an embarassing manner. Then he had me kneel in front of him.

While I knelt there, he laid out all of my floggers on the floor before me, then sat down on the love seat. “Pick out the ones you want me to use on you.” I glanced up and started to respond, and he said “Point ‘em out with your nose.” and grinned. I snickered at him and asked if I could kind of point in the general direction because I wanted him to use all of them, and he shook his head and said “Nope. Each one.”. I laughed, called him an asshole, and did what he asked (with a modicum of grace, even). He grinned as he moved the floggers out of the way and connected my wrist cuffs to the rings on the collar, then had me lean over until I was on knees and elbows. After that, he started in on me with rhythmic percussive heavy flogging, and I relaxed under the blows like I was getting a massage.

My recollection of the timing of the events that night is a little off, I think. The energy of the scene was very chaotic and random, and that kept me on edge; most other times we’ve played I’ve been able to zone out and simply go with the sensations, and during this one I was (at least mostly) in my own head the whole time. At one point CK pulled me to my feet, kissed me roughly and turned me to face away from him. Then he started to bite my neck, back and shoulders.

Biting is one of those things that I simply can’t explain, but I like it. CK does too, so it works out well. When he bites, he bites hard, and leaves masses of bruises, and I love every second of it. My responses feed his actions, and I usually end up a quivering puddle by the time he’s done. That night, he started biting harder than he normally does and just got more intense from there.

If it gets to be too much, I tell him, and he backs off; that’s the normal dynamic. If he’s too into his own headspace to hear me the first time, I’ll simply grab him and move his head. Simple. This time, he didn’t let himself get that far into his own head so he could be more alert to my reactions and words, and he backed off whenever I said “too much”. I started feeling overwhelmed and for some reason couldn’t find the words to express it, and suddenly tears started flowing.

It was incredibly odd for me; I’m not a crier by nature. Not around other people, and not without some kind of pretty big reason. So I was a little floored and confused. CK noticed the change in my breathing, stopped what he was doing and turned me around in concern. He kissed me, wiped the tears away, hugged me tight, and asked if I was okay. Odd thing was, I didn’t really know. Yes, I’d felt overwhelmed, but the tears didn’t feel like they were coming from a negative headspace at all…I could converse just like any other time, assured him that I was okay and that I really had no idea exactly why I was crying. I convinced him that I was okay, that I really did want to keep going, and that I really didn’t know where the tears were coming from. He questioned me a little more, snuggled me and kissed me and wiped away more tears, then started back in with the biting…

…and the tears started again. I was floored. CK stopped again, now very concerned. He again questioned me to make sure I was okay, and I told him again: yes, I was crying, but no, it’s not from a negative headspace. I had no idea what was causing it. He petted me, hugged and kissed me, and I again convinced him that I was okay.

We changed things up after that, and things blurred a little bit after that; at one point he had me bent over the arm of the love seat, legs spread, while he started back in with the floggers. At one point he changed to the cutting board paddle that I mentioned in an earlier pervertibles post, and oh my freakin god that hurt. Awesome. With a couple of the floggers, he actually took a few shots at my pussy, which was new to me. At least twice he made direct contact with my clit with a stingy flogger…and damn, it hurt, but it felt amazingly good too. At some point he used a lightweight toy on my breasts; also new, and also a lot of fun.

I finally warned CK that I needed to sit down before I fell down, and he realized I was done. He sat me down on the love seat, got me a blanket and a glass of water, and sat with me to cuddle and talk about everything that had happened.

We’ve actually started doing that after almost every scene; we talk about what we each got out of it, what we liked, what we didn’t, what we want to try next time, and I enjoy it immensely. After talking it over, we came to the conclusion that the tears were probably a cathartic release of a lot of pretty overwhelming stress that I’ve been building up for most of a year. It confused me at the time and worried CK quite a bit, but I felt amazingly good afterward.

All in all a very successful and fun scene; five days later, I still have bruises. Big ones. My ass is an mass of bruises.

Can’t wait for next time…

To avoid an annoyingly long post (and also because I want some time to think about how I want to write up the rest of the scene), I decided to break this one up. Welcome to Part One.

It’d been a while since CK and I had a full-blown scene; I’ve been kind of twitching for playtime lately. When he suggested a scene on our dinner-and-a-movie night, I obviously said yes. He asked if I wanted to top or bottom, and I very quickly replied that I wanted to play the bottom role. I enjoy both, but sometimes I need one and sometimes I need the other. I needed to play bottom. He asked what I wanted to do, and I was at a loss, really.

I’m not someone that says I have no limits. I definitely have ‘em, I just don’t know where the lines are yet. I’m still learning what kinds of things I enjoy, and there are so many things I want to try…sometimes it makes it hard to articulate exactly what I do want. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes I’m a little shy about asking to try new things as a bottom…this is something I need to work on, actually. Communication when you’re negotiating is vital for a scene if you plan to enjoy yourself, and I have to get over that particular nervousness.

In any case, we finally decided that flogging was going to be a definite component, and that he was going to bring over his locking cuffs to put me in. He wanted to do more than flogging, but I don’t know if he had a set plan in place for what he wanted out of the evening any more than I did.

I got home from work, we ordered pizza because I was feeling too lazy to cook, and we watched some anime while we ate. After that, he had me get off of the couch and started rummaging through his duffel bag. I knelt backwards on the love seat next to him, facing the kitchen counter; that’s a common comfy spot for me to sit while I’m waiting for something in the kitchen area because I have a good view. It also exposes my back to the living room, so I figured it was a two-for-one. CK pulled out a set of wrist cuffs and four small padlocks. He lined up the cuffs, locks and keys on the counter directly in front of me, and he seemed to be carefully watching my reaction. He dug until he found his ankle cuffs, and he put those on the counter as well. Following that was a bit gag that I’ve worn before.

He told me he was going to put my collar on me for the scene; I’d previously only worn it for the look of it. It has several metal rings and made quite pretty sounds when he dug it out of my bag. Before CK put the collar or cuffs on me, he looked me in the eye. “If you need out, tell me and I’ll take it off.” He knew I haven’t been really restrained often, and the cuffs being locked was going to be a new thing for me. “But I want you to ask me first,” he continued. I nodded, and he said “If it’s an emergency, and you have to get out, do it. If it’s not an emergency, I want you to ask.”. I told him I understood, and after another look to make sure we were on the same page, the collar got buckled. He made sure it wasn’t too tight, pulled off my top, then moved on to the gag.

The gag I’d worn before and enjoyed the experience. That night it seemed to be triggering my gag reflex for some reason, and we decided to forgo the gag for the evening. After cuffing me and clicking the locks into place (and once more checking to make sure I was all right), CK connected my wrists with a short chain and started digging through my bag for my floggers.

After a moment he moved back over to me and roughly pulled my pants and underwear down and off, then chained my ankles. He started off with an open hand, spanking my ass hard…

Tune in for Part Two, coming soon to a blog near you.

Well, an excerpt from my post on nipple clamps did, at least. Dude. I squeed.

Here’s the post.

I finally had the chance to playtest the Under The Bed Restraints from Babeland.com.

Holy Hell. They looked really good, they installed easily; however I’m neither small nor weak, and I wasn’t sure if the lightweight nylon straps would actually hold me. The velcro cuffs that came with the set are the same as a set I’ve used in the past, and are quite stronger than they look.

For a proper test, I decided I wanted to use my own cuffs for my ankles and the included cuffs for my wrists. That’s another good point…you can change out the cuffs. One caveat: I used the spare link kind of connector, the c-shaped thing with the rotating closure. Don’t do that. Use double-ended spring clips instead. Easier to get your captive free in case of emergency. In my case, CK tightened one of the connectors a little too much and it was tough to get one of my ankles free. Fail, but not an epic fail as it wasn’t an emergency. I figured I’d pass on my learnin to you guys before it happens for real (for the sake of fairness, while he was connecting the ankle cuffs, he did say that I was using the wrong kind of connectors. I said bah! Now I know. *grin*).

So, sometime during the day, I was texting to the boy and said that if he was feeling up for it after dinner I wanted to playtest the restraints. “Think of something creative” I told him. I’ll have to remember that line…

CK came over, we ate dinner, we snuggled a little on the couch and shared clips we’d found on Youtube. Then, I said “So hey, you should tie me up now.”. He took the hint well.

When the boy was cuffing me, he quoted a video I’d made him watch Thanksgiving day, which made me giggle and helped me relax; I’d never actually been restrained to the point where I couldn’t get myself free, and was a little nervous. He tightened up the straps and then reached down to tickle my feet…and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

Five thin strips of nylon, very comfortable cuffs, and pretty silver metal connectors were holding me completely fast. I couldn’t lift my hands or feet from where they were cuffed to save my life. I was pretty surprised, actually. I pulled lightly at first, impressed by the strength of the structure.

CK then got up and started for the other room to get something. I had to call him back and get him to scratch my nose for me, which was amusing. When he finally got back from his rummaging through my bags, he was carrying something that I couldn’t quite see (the lights were dim and my glasses were off). He climbed onto the bed, knelt straddling my waist, and pulled up my shirt and bra. He then started in on my nipples, pinching, rolling, tugging, and otherwise making me whimper and struggle underneath him; I then found out the item he’d brought in was the set of clover clamps. I kept trying to get free, and simply couldn’t. The straps held.

Being restrained like that put me in an incredibly submissive frame of mind. CK was in a very dominant, sadistic mindset, so it worked out quite well for both of us. It should be noted that I struggled so much against the restraints that I’m sore (I feel like I had a good workout), that I’m covered in bruises from bites, and my nipples are _still_ supersensitive, tingling, and painful.

Without cluttering up the review with too many details, suffice it to say that the Bandito made a guest appearance, as did Mr Hitachi and another, smaller vibrator. A good time was had by all. Perhaps at some point I’ll write this up from a non-review perspective, focusing more on the activity than the toys.

Final thoughts: GET THIS. If you read this blog, you absolutely need the Under The Bed Restraint System. It’s strong as hell, easy to deal with, and oh, so versatile. Click on the previous link to go straight to this item, click on the banner below to go to the main site. Either way, enjoy.

This started out as a discussion on Fetlife. I didn’t start the thread, but it struck a chord because I’d been thinking about the subject just a few days before.

Self-harm and BDSM:

When I see someone (in or out of the BDSM community) cutting or inflicting some other kind of pain on themselves, I worry about them and think there’s something wrong.

When I see someone with a cutting that someone else has done for them, or whipmarks, or scratches or bitemarks, I think it’s lovely and imagine how much fun I would have had in their place…

When I realized the apparent hypocrisy of this, it really hit me like a ton of bricks. If someone isn’t in a negative headspace when they’re cutting, how is that different from them allowing someone else to cut them?

For me, pain play is equally as much about the trust and connection as it is about the pain itself…but the pain is still the focus. How can I worry about someone that’s just doing something I wouldn’t?

I still feel viscerally that there’s a difference, but gut feelings can be wrong; is this a knee-jerk reaction on my part, or is there actually a difference between self-inflicted pain and masochism expressed with another person?

See, I used to be a cutter as a teenager. It even went a little into my early twenties, but only rarely. My cutting was mild and occasional, and very stress-related. Seeing and tasting the blood would calm me down immensely and I wouldn’t need to cut anymore. Then there came a time that I didn’t need to anymore at all. I don’t have the urge anymore. I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t want it. I needed it.

I do however mightily enjoy and get the urge to be spanked, bitten, flogged and otherwise manhandled. I’m very curious about getting a cutting from someone, wax play, needle play, and other fun things. It’s a need as well, but different. I wouldn’t enjoy cutting myself, dripping hot wax on my own thighs, putting needles under my own skin…

So what are your thoughts? I’d love to see some discussion on this. How is that row of cuts on someone’s thigh different from me wanting a new tattoo just for the pleasure of the experience?

(please note I’m opening up this topic for debate here; I’m not advocating self-harm, nor am I condemning those that are in a non-negative headspace and choose to cause themselves pain. Let any discussion remain civil, but please do comment.)

Okay, so we tried ‘em out the other day (no, no pictures this time; got too distracted. Next time. ).

I have very sensitive nipples that will respond well to the lightest of touches, caresses, and kisses. They can also take (and respond well to) quite a lot of pain. Honestly, I’m not really sure how that can be, but I’m not complaining.

I have a pair of tweezer-style clamps that have yet to be put on me by someone other than myself testing ‘em. They’re interesting, but I have a feeling that if someone else put them on me, they’d end up being far meaner about it than I was to myself. So while interesting, nothing too insane. They also slipped off relatively easily when tugged on.

When I got the clovers, I tried one on my finger. It was supertight, and not only stayed put when tugged on but got even tighter. I got nervous.

The other night CK and I were watching a movie (Street Kings. Quite good, if you’re into gritty cop dramas) and when the movie was over we just cuddled for a bit. After a little while, he said “I got an idea!” and got up to dig through my toybag. He came back with the clamps and a grin, and I got even more nervous.

There was a little warmup play, with the boy teasing and tugging and pinching my nipples. After a few moments (next time, I think more of a warmup should be in order, but we were both pretty eager to try the new toys), he clamped one of the clovers onto my left nipple.

Holy shit. As hard as my nipples have been bitten and pinched, there was something more intense about this thing, and I think I whimpered. He paused to watch my reaction and make sure I was okay (partially just because I think he enjoyed the reaction), then moved to my other nipple, teasing, tugging, and finally clamping it.

The boy started teasing me then, lightly stroking the still-exposed tips of my nipples and tugging periodically on the chain connecting the two heavy clamps. I was being very vocal, crying out and whimpering, and I simply couldn’t help it. It was insanely intense. He tugged on them once to get my attention, then said “Count backwards from ten.”

At this point, my brain wasn’t focusing enough to do any such thing…but he kept prompting and tugging until I had no choice but to start the count, calling him an asshole in the process. He got a huge kick out of that, I think. *grin* I counted backwards, needing occasional prompting (read: tugging) as to the order of the numbers, and when I reached one he quickly took off the left clamp.

Holy shit AGAIN. I’d heard they hurt more coming off…but didn’t realize the extent until just then. I cried out loudly in pain and surprise, and he quickly put pressure on the poor abused nipple to let the pain subside slightly. The right went just the same, and damn. It hurt like hell, and it drove me completely insane. The clamps had been on for maybe two minutes.

We went through the same process again, and I realized that I both love and hate those damn clover clamps. *grin* I can’t wait for more experimentation…

By the way, did you realize that clover clamps are named that because they’re made by a company called “Clover”? And that their actual use is as a sewing accessory? They’re called ‘bird clamps’. I got the link from Cheap BDSM Toys. I found that link on one of the DIY groups on Fetlife. And if you haven’t checked Fetlife out yet, do so. I’m Pantherapardus there.