Ramblings of a Newbie

I’m a fat chick. It says so in my bio, I make no bones about it. I’m a big girl. I’m pretty okay with that most of the time, to be perfectly honest. I’m still attractive, I’m still healthy. However…

I’ve still made the decision to lose weight. I’m not doing this for vanity, mind you, I’m doing it for health. It’s pretty okay to be a big girl in the BDSM community.  There’s often more of an appreciation for people of all sizes, which I dig…but for future health, I have to make changes. I started seeing a doctor that had been my mother’s doctor, and he really laid down the bottom line. My mother had many weight-related issues and I really don’t want to end up the way she was toward the end of her life. Therefore…try to lose the weight now while I can.

Now, I know you’re asking yourself:  what does that have to do with this blog?

The answer is simple: Losing weight gives me energy. Increased energy kickstarts my libido higher than it normally is, and it’s pretty damn high to begin with. CK got a taste of that yesterday and I’ve warned him it’s just gonna keep rising. Higher libido means more fodder for posts, and more energy means more posting in general.

No worries, now: this isn’t gonna turn into a weight-loss blog; I have another outlet for that kind of Rambling. I just wanted to prepare all y’all for an increase in posts and let you know I’m still around.

I missed you guys. More later.

I’m in the midst of moving right now, from the apartment I’ve been living in for a year back to the old family home. My father finally agreed to move into an assisted living facility…now, before you think this is a bad thing, it’s really not. He’s currently healthier, happier, and more alive than I’ve seen him in years. It’s a wonderful thing. The place is like a ritzy hotel; great food, gorgeous surroundings, and people to interact with.

Now, me moving back into the house is a good thing for me financially and comfort-wise. It’s paid for, so I’m only paying utilities. That’s amazingly helpful.  There’s a small yard, so I can perhaps start a garden next year.  It’s not a massive house, but it is bigger than my current place. It’s furnished, so I can get rid of my current hand-me-down and curbshopped furniture. There’s enough room between me and my neighbors that if I get…*ahem* a bit loud at times I won’t bother anyone.

On the downside: it’s likely to dredge up some old emotions. The house was not a happy place, and I’m determined to change that vibe. I’ve been talking about this on Twitter for about a month now…some of the plans are starting to work out.

I’m doing a good chunk of redecorating, starting with the main bathroom. Painting, changing out light fixtures and such; by the way, if any locals know of a decent electrician, please drop me a line.  One project at a time, though, because I know my track record. *grin*

I’m mostly packed at the apartment. Most of my current furniture is going to Goodwill (the bed, washer and dryer, and a few small tables are going to the house)…so it’s going to be a matter of moving mostly boxes. I’m hoping Thursday’s gonna be the day. Wooo!

In other news, there’s a little stand of bamboo or bamboo-like plant in the back yard of the house. My next kinky project is to figure out how to process it for canes. *grin* Any ideas, people?

As for the move, wish me luck. I hate moving. I like it once I’ve moved, but I hate moving.

But it’s kind of been one of those…well, years, actually. I normally don’t go into a whole lot of real-life detail here, but there’s been a lot going on lately. For instance:

• My job has been absolutely insane; with all due modesty, I’m an excellent employee and I feel like my job is constantly on the line. Walking on eggshells isn’t fun. There’s no real end in sight for this one unless I can find other work that will keep me in the manner to which I am accustomed (y’know, a place to live, a vehicle, and food for me and my cat).
• My father is elderly, in poor health, and an alcoholic (Yes, that may be TMI for my readers. You guys are used to hearing about the fun parts of my life; this post I’m giving a little peek behind the facade). However, he’s just agreed to go into an assisted living facility…and actually seems excited about it. This is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I can do crazy things now like…y’know, turn off my phone for a few hours. Or go on a road trip for a day. I’m a wild woman, I am!
• As readers of my blog know, I’ve recently gotten into a full-fledged relationship with CK. Now, this doesn’t sound like a huge thing, but it kind of is. I’m a big heaping bowl of trust issues and haven’t been in an actual official dating relationship for…hell, over ten years. Maybe fifteen? Some crazy number like that. The gist of this is that I’m learning how to be in a committed relationship again. So far so good, I think. This particular item is a good thing, but it’s a new thing. I’m getting used to it. *grin* He’s even met my brother, and I don’t remember the last time I introduced a guy I was dating to my brother…

There are a bunch of other, smaller things going on, but these things are the main things on my mind. Some good, some bad, some in transition; and I wanted to share them with you. I’ve been neglecting you guys, and I need to get back on the ball. Writing (any writing, whether silliness, seriousness, DIY stuff, reviews) always mellows me out and makes me feel better about things, and this little mini-post is no exception.

More to come, people. I’ve not gone anywhere. *salute*

(edit: I just realized that the only person I mentioned in this post is SC, who I only brought up to explain how rare it is for me to form a real connection. SC’s not caused me any drama the past few days! Sorry if anybody misunderstood! ooops!)

Connections terrify me.

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding connections, keeping people at arm’s length, to protect myself. Without going into a great deal of detail, my family life wasn’t normal. Not the quirky-but-fun not normal, just simply not normal and not healthy. Let me go ahead and get this straight: there was no sexual abuse, I was not beaten, and I always had clothing, shelter, food, and the occasional luxuries that come with suburban living. The not healthy part comes from my parents’ relationship and their relationship with us. Again, not too many details, but suffice it to say it made me not want to establish ties with others.

For a long time I simply didn’t have friends, partially by choice and partially due to a stunted set of social skills. By the time I got to high school it was a little easier, though I was still not really with the program. Through high school and college I dated a series of people, each one turning out to be a cheater.  At this point the trust issues I’d started out with latched on, cementing firmly in place.

Connections are hard.

Connections are difficult for me, friend-wise or lover-wise. To make a connection, one has to open up at least a little, and that scares me. I have a core group of very good friends that I’ve known and been building relationships with for over ten years now; I have strong connections to many of them and lesser connections with others. To let anyone past friendship status requires more opening up on my part, which is amazingly difficult for me…I’ve found it easier in recent years to simply not try.

Connecting is fucking scary.

I met SC in an unusual way (again, not a story for this blog), randomly, and took a leap of faith and met her for coffee the next day. We connected quickly, and in a way not too frightening for me. We’ve been friends since. I started realizing that maybe I could connect with less fear if I tried. I still avoided it, though.

Real live connections: understanding, caring, taking pleasure in one another’s company, disliking being apart… When I make them, they’re strong, but they are truly hard for me. I can play the extrovert (I’ve had to learn from twenty years of working in restaurants and sales), but I’m really not. I’m an INTJ, baby…

The scariest part is when you don’t see ‘em coming…

I haven’t wanted a relationship. I haven’t wanted to date anyone. I always claim it’s because I’m in a selfish frame of mind right now, and that’s partially true; the other half of the story is that I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable. I’ve been hurt too badly and too often to be able to open up easily, so I make excuses. This usually works just fine. But when connections form where I didn’t expect them to, I get inner turmoil issues.

Connecting hurts.

When someone you’ve ended up letting in (intentionally or not) ends up hurting you (intentionally or not), it’s painful in ways that very few things can be, and there’s nothing you can do but ride it out. Worse is when it’s the painful incident that makes both of you realize how strong the connection is. Damaged ties can either be severed or be repaired; you always have to examine closely and see which is the proper and safest course of action.

Connections may mend…

Am I ready to open up? I’m never ready. Did it happen anyway? To a point, yes. Is it worth working to try to repair? The connection quietly gained and then nearly lost wasn’t one I was looking for, but it’s one I’d miss if it was gone. I think it’s worth the effort, but only time will tell. Time and a lot of talking…

Connections terrify me. Still.

…how much I hate drama?

The cause of the drama is something I’m not gonna get into in a public forum, but since I wrote a venting post I’m gonna write the ‘everything’s okay’ post to follow up.

I don’t like drama. I don’t like being upset. I’ve had a rough few days and had a couple of issues come up. I try never to let that kind of thing get out because I prefer to be on more of an even keel.

This time, things got to me. Hence the earlier post. Thanks for all of the kind words and well-wishes…you guys rock, quite a bit.

Things are getting better. The stress levels are dropping and I’m cursing quite a bit less…;)

So there we are. Thanks for sticking with me through the outbursts. I’ll try to keep ‘em to a minimum.

…I just don’t fool around with it. This is gonna be a pretty much non-kink related post, so feel free to skip it if you so choose.

Yesterday was the first day of a long-anticipated vacation, and I woke up with a feeling of dread. Twittered about it, too. I felt like something bad was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, but I shrugged it off and continued on with my day.

First, I go to check on my father, who’s been recovering for the past several months from hyponatremia brought on from his alcoholism. He was in the hospital for weeks, a nursing home for a month or so, and has been having home health care nurses with him for a couple of months. He’s to the point now where he doesn’t need the home health care or physical therapy anymore (according to his doctors, at least), so he can get out and about on his own again.

When he got home from the nursing home, he started drinking again and ended up in the hospital within a week. He finally made the connection in his head (or so I thought) and stopped again. Yesterday when I get there, I notice he’s just been on his first solo run to the grocery store since his last hospital stay (about a month ago). I’m all excited that he’s getting out on his own, go over to him to say hello, and he tries to block my view of the two twelve-packs of cheap beer that he’s taking into the house.

I know it’s a disease, and I know he needs help, but he simply won’t accept it. He’s even admitted out loud that he needs help, but now denies that. They say an addict has to hit bottom before they can truly realize they need help. There’s not much more ‘hitting bottom’ you can do than to be hooked to a respirator for a week…there’s not many steps of bottom below that. The alcohol is going to kill him and there’s absolutely nothing I can do.

I shake that off and try to go on with my day. CK was coming over for dinner and movie night (a tradition), so I tried to relax and get the feeling of dread off of me with no luck. He comes over, gives me a quick hug and a quick peck, nothing like our normal greeting. I start cooking dinner, and after a little conversation and a little questioning I find out why.

He’s been seeing this girl for about a week, it’s now getting serious, and she apparently doesn’t approve of BDSM play. So…I get reduced to ‘just friend’ status, and while we’re still friends, I’ve lost a playpartner, snugglebuddy, and a lot more. There’s more to the story but it’s too personal to get into in a public forum.

I want him to be happy, and I hope this works out for him, but this sucks on several levels, to be honest. One, the purely selfish level: I had a dynamic with someone that made me happy and content, and now that’s gone. *shrug* That one’s a no-brainer. Two, also selfish: I don’t have anyone else that I really trust to top me…and I’m discovering that I need that. Three, and this one’s not about me: CK is wired to need BDSM play too, probably more than I do. I’ve seen him when he doesn’t get relatively regular playtime and it puts him in a really bad headspace. I’m worried.

(edit: I’ve since found out that it’s not that she doesn’t approve of play, she just doesn’t want him playing with others. That makes me worry less about him, and that’s good.)

But again, nothing I can control. And you know what? That sucks.

I’m done whining about it now. This post may disappear at some point, but for now I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Sinclair at Sugarbutch Chronicles has reposted a clip of Ken Olbermann talking about Proposition 8 in California. Please go there and watch it now. It’ll be very worth your time.

The Butterfly Temptress tagged me with a meme!

The Rules-
* Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
* Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Step one: check.

Step two:

• I roast coffee, brew beer, and can skin and butcher my own meat.
• I get mildly obsessive about learning how things work.
• My college work was in psych and criminal justice.
• I’ve been trying to get the Playgirl issue with Peter Steele (from Type O Negative) for about ten years now; I’ve offered upwards of fifty bucks, but nobody I know will part with it.
• I love durian (It’s a fruit. Look it up. You’ll understand why it’s worth mentioning).
• I’ve seen Tom Jones live in concert. And y’know what? He was pretty damn cool. So was Johnny Mathis.
• I have a small collection of bladed weapons that I’m always interested in expanding.

Step 3: This one’s tough, cause damn near everybody’s been tagged already…but here goes.

Thursday’s Child: Because she’s just so much fun.
Narration by D: Because he doesn’t write enough!
Mina and Sylvanus: Because I miss them on Twitter.
Alpine Subdreams: Because she posts pretty pictures. I still love the feathers!
Ellie: Because I’m so going to meet her one of these days.
VanImp: Simply because she’s awesome.
Curvaceous Dee: Because she inspired me to start this blog and I love her for it.

Step 4: Profit! Err..comment! I’ll get right on that (eventually). Forgive me if your comment doesn’t show up for a day or two…

So (every time I start a post with the word So, I think of The Snarling Misanthrope. Thanks) I started playing with Feedburner yesterday. It’s supposed to help people subscribe to my blog feed if they were having issues (apparently some were), optimize my readers’ ‘feed experience’ (whatever that is), and get my name out there a little bit.

I have to admit to a little net-vanity here; I enjoy knowing that people are reading my blog. I like that people are perhaps learning something, or getting a laugh, or (to be embarrassingly honest) checking out my HNT pics. I don’t have a commercial interest in this blog in any way. Someday if I get a big readerbase (or if I get a bitchin’ discount. ) I may add some affiliate links or somesuch, but otherwise there’s no actual reason for me to really want to build my readership. I still do, so I’m going for it.

As for the Ego Boosts mentioned in the title:

Since I started using StatCounter in mid-August, I’ve gotten almost 700 page loads. 488 unique visitors (now, keep in mind, I think this is controlled by cookies and if people remove their cookie for the site that can skew it).

I get people visiting from home, from their phones, and from their work. You know who you are.

People from all over the world have seen this blog at one point or another. The top ten countries:

• The US had the most.
• Then New Zealand! I have a big Kiwi following. *waves at Dee, VanImp, and the rest of the Kiwis!*
• The UK’s right after that.
• Canada and…
• …France are tied.
• Then Australia. I really think I need to move to the Southern Hemisphere.
• Italy is next.
• Ireland ties with Italy.
• Then Poland and
• The Ukraine.

There’s more, but only two or three of each.

None of the hits came from search engines. A good amount came from links posted on other blogger’s sites (thanks, all y’all!).

Now, all of those stats are from my original StatCounter. What does feedburner do for me?

it tells me that I have actual subscribers. Subscribers may not show up on my hits (I’m still not completely sure how that works), but I realize that there’s people that actually read my stuff! Woo! I just have to make sure to keep my stuff interesting now.

Thanks, all. You’ve read my ramblings, offered advice, and given feedback and encouragement.

Keep reading!

Generally Useless But Fascinating Information About PantheraPardus

I got tagged. I haven’t done one of these in quite a while, so I figured I’d cave to the tag. I haven’t done anything kinky lately, so you guys are stuck with a meme tonight. *grin*

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
I don’t generally download songs; I have recently downloaded some ringtones: the theme from Dexter, the theme from Torchwood, and Mrs Robinson (the Lemonheads version).

What are the last three places you visited?
Hrm. I don’t go places often. Charlotte NC, Charleston SC, and Raleigh NC.

What are your three favorite movies?
They tend to change. Right now, Office Space, Snatch, and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension.

What are your three favorite possessions. Huh. Dang. I’m not really sure how to answer this one, so I’ll go mildly facetious. But three that I’d miss if they were gone: My computer, my athame, and my Hitachi. *grin* So I guess I’m a technopaganperv.

What three things can you not live without?
Books, physical contact, and meat. *nod*

What would be your three wishes?
Stabilization of the government and economy (yes, I’m counting that as one), a small harem, a life of leisure.

What three things haven’t you done yet?
(to try to keep this post legitimate to the blog, I’m gonna make ‘em kinky things I haven’t done yet) Wax play, tried a violet wand (either end), bottomed in public.

What are your three favorite dishes?
Sushi/Sashimi (not really a dish, but it counts), shrimp and grits, and a good basic steak dinner.

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with?
Henry Rollins, Mike Rowe, and Jamie Hyneman.

Name three things that freak you out?
high-pitched sounds, some bridges, and mixing diet pepsi and milk (glares at CK. Ew.).

Name three unusual things you are good at.
making beer, talking down irate customers (not talking down _to_, but calming down), and (so I’ve been told) making kinky toys.

Which three things are you coveting?
a shiny new computer (though I do like mine own), an evil stick, and a sexy corset.

Name three bloggers you are tagging.
I’m going to let people tag themselves for this.